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Jones, M.C. (2017). The Biopsychiatrists' Flying Circus: American Journal of Subatomic Psychiatry CME Quiz: 21st Century Digital Bedside Manner of RoboDocs. Free Associations, 18(2):106-111.

(2017). Free Associations, 18(2):106-111

The Biopsychiatrists' Flying Circus: American Journal of Subatomic Psychiatry CME Quiz: 21st Century Digital Bedside Manner of RoboDocs

M. C. Jones


In a world that's rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell, there are least some inspiring developments in ‘mental health’ science to look forward to as we plunge into 2018. Thanks to the current thrilling pace of discovery we are tracing human unhappiness to aberrant genes and devious molecules, a predestined arc of progress that will soon lead to a merger of string theory and quantitative genetics so as to explain the exact origins of psychopathology at the sub-Planck length. The Next-generation robotic biomolecular/subatomic quantum drone psychiatrists will surpass current beta-phase prototypes already deployed in public and academic psychiatry to become almost lifelike.

Assembled in American psychiatric residency programs by other robots (faculty) on an assembly line, and untouched by clumsy human hands, they will be equipped with infallible hacking protection donated by Yahoo. Exploiting the superiority of artificial intelligence, with the scourge of subjectivity removed from their transistors, these automatons, driven by flawless algorithms and instant wireless connectivity with 23&Me, NIMH, CDC, Big Pharma, Tesla, FB, Twitter, police, FBI, CIA, NSA, local militias, insurance companies, military recruiters, Hollywood, popular science magazines, advertisers, lobbyists, Silicon Valley and molecule-busting laboratories around the world, will be able to effortlessly coordinate anticipated innumerable diagnostic evaluations, drug prescription/delivery/unlimited refills/blood level monitoring/compliance, record keeping and billing.

And really, really, really, really, really informed consent for a change. These compassionate robotic healers will be programmed for impeccable bedside manner, using voice and facial recognition software borrowed the National Security Agency to respond instantly to urgent questions like ‘WTF are you doing to me?’ by drawing upon massive cloud-based data banks to educate and comfort patients and their families in a mellifluous digital voice simulation of TV's Doctor Marcus Welby trying to suppress hiccups.

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